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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Heart Therapy: My Fears

Share it Please


Welcome to
Heart Therapy:

Where we share what we are walking through.
{Like group bloggy therapy}
Last week we had some awesome posts linked up,
make sure you check some of them out 
here.


I will give a writing prompt that you can spin off of, or just share something you have been feeling or thinking about, or something you are learning or going through. Time to do something that will help your heart. Something I believe we neglect all too often. 


 


Today the prompt is to talk about what your FEARS, in as little or as much detail as you want! 



What fears do we have about life, ourselves, our future. Where did they come from, why do we have them, and how can we over come them. What are the stopping us from doing that we really want to?








You know something interesting, after I decided this topic for heart therapy, I have felt even more paralyzed by my fears. I am sure this is the very reason I wanted to write about them, the above quote is so very true!

I had a rough day yesterday. I think the reality is that some pill isn't going to fix what's going on inside of me, what is broken, hurt, etc. I probably do need to get into psychotherapy, I have a lot going on until after Thanksgiving so I hope to do that after that.

I have a few books I am reading in the meantime to help me process some things as well.

What do I fear?

I think mostly I fear never being good enough. For other people, for myself, for God. I know all the right answers to say to myself in regards to "being good enough", but the truth is it's still a fear and knowing the answers doesn't make that fear go away.

Fears are something we have to process, something that we have to walk through. Being broken is not comfortable for some people in our lives, because the process is long and brutally monotonous. It is essential that we find people who are willing to walk with us through our brokenness and love us in-spite of it, this is true friendship and true love. Some things can not be wrapped up in a sweet little bow at the end of the episode, like the shows we watched on tv growing up.

In my opinion true love is walking through people's messiness with them, not expecting them to have an easier life so you can live with them, not expecting them to "get it together" so that they don't require anything from you.

Being NEEDY is a four letter word to me, even if it is 5 letters. I loath it, but I think it is only human. Sometimes we just need people and we should not feel bad about it, we should not FEAR it.

This maybe is another fear of mine, being too much for people. As the book Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge talks about "being too much or not enough", the constant battle of a woman's heart. But the truth is, we all need someone to love us for who we are, not what we can do for them or be valued for what we can produce or make them look by being in association with us. Does that make any sense?

Yesterday, Gina from Contemplating Beauty sent out an email right when I was breaking down. She sent the video "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller. I have always really connected to this song but yesterday I listened to it repeatedly and bawled my eyes out. I highly suggest you listen to it as well.

The truth is I have to make myself face my fears and not run from them. So what if I am needy? What if I am broken? What if I am not who I want to be right now? Do I still deserve love? Do I still have something vital to say in this world?
I fear failing, so what if I fail? Am I then defined forever by being a failure, my fear is yes! Yes, I will be. But this is where I have to face it. Do I believe deep within me that because I have failed at thing in life that I am no longer deserving to be a part of things? NO, no I don't really believe that. 
Its so much easier to believe things for others and tell myself I am a load of you know what! I am so afraid of being cocky, self-centered, prideful, I jump to the absolute worst conclusion of myself in order to get a jump on my critics. 
I know that its "popular" to hear "love yourself" and people call it a load of garbage. But I just don't see how you can go through life, and make it, if you truly think you and the rest of the world believe you are worthless. You have to see your worth and believe it, give yourself credit for your successes or give yourself permission to try and explore what you are capable of before you sabotage yourself with you self doubt.

Here are a few good quotes I have come across in the past few weeks that I want to remember and relate so much too...hope they speak to you as well...

  • "sometimes it feels like I am trying to prove something to justify my existence."
  • "the fear of failure keeps me from doing my best"
  • "You do not have to resign yourself to self-sabotage. To obstruct or hinder yourself is plain unfair. You are worth so much more. Do not become discouraged, recovery is possible"
  • "Self-sabotaging behavior is NOT a lack of talent or skill; it is in internal struggle within you. You clearly want to do something, but your internal messages say you cannot or should not"
  • "To process means to talk about the trauma, and simultaneously feel the pain in a cacophonous, blasting, rock concert. You can tell something in a story form without feeling it, but that is not processing."
Dr. Karyl McBride


{All images found via}
What about you??



14 comments:

  1. LOVE that song!!! Thanks for sharing it :)

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  2. Just a couple quotes about failure...

    "Failure teaches success"
    "It's better to fail than to never try at all"

    :)

    And I can identify with what you said about not being the person you want to be right now. It's a feeling I've dealt with for a long time too... But you know what? You can try and try to be whoever that is, and it still won't make you better. Saying "I'll feel better about myself when I (lose weight? stop having fear? am happy all the time?... these are some of mine)" just means that you are removing any hope for you to feel good about yourself RIGHT NOW. That's not a very nice thing to do to yourself. If you are "too much" for someone, that is THEIR problem, it's because of their own issues, their own judgements. It has nothing to do with your worth as a human being. You are enough, right now, as you are... not too much, not too little. Life is supposed to be bumpy, and those who love you will be there for you in rough times as you will for them.

    Thank you, again, for your honesty. It's beautiful!

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  3. I hear ya. I've been where you are (and will be there again). But just so you know, I would rather be friends with someone who was broken and aware of their own brokenness than someone who is pretending to have it all together and putting on a show. ESPECIALLY as a Christian.

    I think the difference between being overly needy vs. being supported by a community, is ownership. We must take ownership for our own crap, and do our best to move forward as independent people. But then also taking the risk of depending on people to help us along, while still owning the responsibility of it being my stuff and that other people can't own it.

    It sounds just from your reflection that you are in this place of health - wanting to deal with some of the crap in your life, but also wanting to reach out for help from the people around you. I'd say this is a great starting place.

    Thanks for sharing your fears with us. You are refreshing! xo

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  4. Fear is something that can just eat you up. I've posted on this a few times on the blog as well. My fear is not getting into medical school. I will be praying for you, darling. I think acknowledging your fear is a first step to getting a grip on it and learning to not let it run your life and dictate your behavior. God bless!

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  5. I just found you through followers fest! What a beautiful blog. Seriously.

    I have a Christmas series going on with a Christmas post a day for 50 days and it just started! You should check it out!

    www.readjame.com

    -Stacie

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  6. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to almost everything you have spoken about. Praying we all overcome our fears! xo

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  7. "In my opinion true love is walking through people's messiness with them, not expecting them to have an easier life so you can live with them, not expecting them to "get it together" so that they don't require anything from you."

    This is so true and sometimes we forget to show one another grace and love through all of our imperfections....we need to love one another AS Christ loves us. :)

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  8. Just wanted to thank you! Since I found your blog, I've been trying to participate. It's great because it has inspired me to write about topics I may have put on the back burner. I can always use a little reflection and therapy. This is a great HeartTherapy community you have created!
    Lots of Love
    Megan

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  9. Oh my goodness, that song is BEAUTIFUL! Thank you so much for this post, Ashley!

    Liesl :)

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  10. one of my favorite songs .. and thanks for doing this link up ... what a fun one ... this post for this one that i linked up with isn't anything fancy but i hope to be more prepared for the next one ;)

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  11. i mean whew. seriously. i am in love with this post, the realness of it, and the TRUTH you shared. I struggled (still do) with fear for a long time, to the point of it affecting me physically. God has since delivered me from a lot of it and literally supernaturally healed me of a disease that we knew was being brought on by fear itself. I used to fear fear, if that makes sense. it was so deep in me that it gripped me all over.
    anyways, not trying to write a whole blog post here :), but just had to share with you that you blessed my heart by sharing this! I just found out about your link up and look forward to joining up in the future!

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  12. I really love this week's topic, even though I am almost a week late to the party! Also, I wanted to encourage you to look into making time for psychotherapy now. I go once a week for an hour and every week before I go, I am completely dreading it (I don't have time, I don't feel like exerting emotional energy, etc.) and if I didn't have a $40 cancellation fee, I might cancel. But when I leave, I leave with this feeling of hope, of the beginnings of healing and of a better idea of what I need to be working on/encouragement for the week. There is always something else I should be doing for that hour but I am so glad that I make time for it. I also take medication and I believe that medication can never work fully on its own so I just wanted to send you a little encouragement that if you can make time, it might be REALLY beneficial for you!

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  13. and my late link up from this week: http://carolinafireflies.blogspot.com/2011/11/heart-therapy-fears.html

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  14. Thank you so much for simply being so honest and real. I needed this post very much this week. It crazy that fear can eat us up and lead to depression, but it can and it is so important that we are honest and we talk about it. Thank you so much for sharing your story and having the courage to start such an amazing link party. You are my inspiration and you give me hope!

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Thanks so much for stopping by! Please leave your comments and looking forward to getting to know you!!

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