Here I am all....
last week I wrote a post that I had every intention of posting, but I went in to edit it and then never re-scheduled it. Just writing it was very cathartic and releasing for me, but I have decided it is kind of repetitive in regards to similar things that I have been posting so I will just leave it.
The short of it is, I am going to be giving up my features that I have held here for a while, I just don't want to do them anymore. So many of you encouraged me about this being my blog and I am remembering that. I feel like I had to let go of being in the lane of keeping up with "blogging Betty" whomever she may be, and I also know what it takes to keep your blog "growing" but I am just not feeling that right now.
I am going to be authentic to me, and my life.
Like I said in THIS post, I just needed some time to work on me, to change the page, to start new, to get healthy in my mind, body and spirit. And in the name of keeping with authenticity it's time to share what I have been up to these last couple months.
Now, those reading this may think...
There are other who will NOT relate to this post whatsoever.....
and I am such a place right now that I do not care what
thinks about me....
This is my story, my pain, my journey, my blog.
But for me this is a really big deal.
You see ever since I had my son I have struggled with depression.
There are many older posts about that if you wish to read them.
The biggest factor, or one of them, has been my issues with weight.
I have never seen myself as thin or athletic.
I was a cheerleader in highschool and that was in its own way a form of sport, and I enjoyed it, but I wouldn't label myself an athlete through this.
If you ask my friend Amy, she thought I was jock before she met me. I have played a "LITTLE" of every sport, but I was mostly a bench warmer and things like getting cut from your jr high basketball team can leave an awkward girl devistated.
All through my adolescent days I never ever wanted to play any kind of games that were athletic for two very good reasons in my head.
1) I would look fat and ridiculous playing them and everyone would feel sorry for me and secretly laugh
2) I would look like a loppy fool.
Granted some people are just naturally more athletic than others,
and I am on the leaner end of that spectrum of talent.
But these two thoughts kept me on the sidelines of life. I did not want people to see me look like a fool. I did not want to feel like a fool. So very rarely when it was time to play volley ball, go swimming at the beach, go rock climbing, did I participate. In my mind, I was never going to be loved by a man either, because they only wanted the most athletic skinny, beautiful girls.
You see, I grew up around exercise. My mom taught Jazzercise from when I was in elementary school. The topic of food, weight loss, and the like were highly discussed amongst the women in my family from as far as I can remember. And it doesn't take a little girl long to come to the realization that she doesn't measure up.
The thing that makes me the saddest about any of this, is that I stopped it from letting me live my life to the fullest many times. Things that I probably would have enjoyed doing if I had just not worried about it. If I had just had a better self image,
I wasn't BIG I just wasn't SMALL!
But I learned early on the girls who were worth the most were the ones who were skinny, and in my mind, that wasn't me. So I would rather not parade my deficit in front of anyone.
Fast forward to meeting my husband.
I was thin(ner) when I met him. Isn't that funny, and in some ways I want to tell myself he never would have been attracted to me if I hadn't been because there is nothing worth loving in a fat girl. But fell in love we did and we were married within the year.
(By the way he is the most loving and humble man to ever walk the earth and I know he does love me, really ME, and not just how skinny or fat I am)
4 months after we were married I was pregnant and for someone with deep seeded body issues that I denied were ever really there, or just refused to look at, this was a strange and heart wrenching place for me to be in.
Here is a time when I was just getting used to being a wife, and loved wholly for me and learning to love and be in that role, and all of a sudden I was going to be a mommy! On top of this HUGE responsibility I now had no control over my body for 9 months, living with a man I'd known a year and that scale was going to creep up no matter what.
I felt horribly ugly when I was pregnant, and isn't it just the way that when you are most vulnerable (and not to mention HORMONAL) pregnancy becomes a time when people feel it is necessary to comment endlessly on your body, touch it, stare at it. I would hold my breath when I knew I wasn't showing yet, but that tummy I was able to camouflage with clothing for my ENTIRE life, now, people were assuming this was the baby bump. I just wanted to hide. Thinking of it now makes me want to cry.
Insensitive jerks asking me at 3 months if I was going to have twins cause I was "so big", the comment of "wow you have gained A LOT of weight", the swelling, the acne, the spreading nose. For others who may not have struggled their whole life with body image may not get it, but to me it broke me and it broke my heart.
As soon as I had him I was going to prove all those jerky haters wrong and I started working my butt off as soon as my c-section was healed. I lost nearly all of my baby weight in about 6 months.
I started running.
I loved it.
I was good at it.
I wanted it to be MY thing,
something I could finally be good at,
something that I could do in front of other people and not be ashamed.
My mom started running, all these other people started running, and even though there is nothing wrong with that, and its so great for them and what is the big deal, I started to break again.
Here I was with an infant, and here are these people with virtually no time constraining, pressing responsibilities in the same way as a baby.
Not only that, but we were broke as a joke.
I just felt like I couldn't keep up with the things I needed, the time I needed, I couldn't take the pressure of feeling like it was some sort of competition.
On top of this, which I am sure had much to do with it, I was dealing with the post-partum which I am sure heightened everything. I felt like the world was against me, that I would always be a failure, that no one in this world, especially me would ever believe in me.
What was I good for?
There is always someone prettier,
more athletic, richer,
what would the point be??
I tried so hard to be a good mom, but it was tough.
My husband really saved me so many times through this hard time of early morning and endless crying.
I just wanted to be OK, I wanted to be enough.
I would watch
A Snoodles Tale from Veggie Tales
where everyone painted a picture of him that was mean and wrong
and put it in his backpack to carry around, and it weighed him down.
Then he meets the creator and he burns all those pictures and paints a picture of him strong and brave and able to fly, and tells him it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you.
Only what I think of you.
I would cry every day watching this as I felt my life was falling apart.
I didn't feel I was good enough to be loved by anyone, and people seemed to act this way as well in my life, they still needed me...
i still tried to give, but there was just nothing.
I was so so empty and needy and I just didn't know what to do.
Then smack dab in the middle of this we moved to Colorado to start a church. Great idea.
I knew I wanted to keep losing weight and feel better about myself, but more than that I wanted to know that who I was was ok, no matter what.
That somehow I was worth being on this earth.
I forgot to ask God to paint me a picture, so I just carried around the picture I perceived others had painted for me.
A fat one,
an angry one,
one of a quitter,
one of a loser,
one of a failure,
and this is all I thought about for a year.
And this is what I became.
And the more I thought about how, yes, actually, this IS the person I am...
the more I did not see a reason why I was here.
I still didn't ask God for a picture,
but I asked others to help me and I just felt continally rejected,
over and over and over...
just compounding what I already thought of myself.
Yes, in a healthy brain these people's actions would have been every day normal....
but to me they were like being punched in the gut.
It hurt me so incredibly bad, even though I knew in the deep part of my logic that they weren't intentionally hurting me, I was still hurt.
I was just hurting in general.
I wanted someone to not want me to die, I wanted someone to tell me why I mattered in the world.
But what I didn't understand was that, this was a long time coming.
This was years of lies told to me, years of paintings on my back, and if you add just a touch of depression in the mix the whole thing just crumbles.
You can only act strong for so long.
I went and got some help, and it did help..i only went once, but it was enough.
We moved, we went on vacation, some of my family moved out here with us.
It was enough.
Before the New Year I asked the Lord to awaken me.
Wake me up to the lies I have been believing, wake me up to who I am,
who He made me.
I don't want to wander around life anymore in a fog, a spectator, a victim.
And He has started.
The thing is, it's a process.
I don't get better in a day, or a week, but day after day, week after week...he is showing me, He is so patient with me.
I am willing to walk through it, no matter how slow we must go, or how long it must take.
This is what I have been walking through these past couple months.
It's extremley personal, but I believe their is power in vulnerability and also power in sharing our pain because nothing I have said needs to be held in shame or cloaked in darkness.
I am losing weight, I am focusing on health, I am training for a marathon.
Week in and week out, one day at a time, I get stronger every.
I don't do it to be loved more,
I don't do it to be with the "in" crowd,
I don't do it so "so and so" can find me acceptable,
I am doing it so I can live my life
I am doing it because I am strong.
I am doing it because I am not defined my anyone's opinion of me.
I am doing it because I can be an athlete, regardless of my past.
I am doing it because I am only 30 and I have a lot of life left to live.
I am doing it because I am a gosh darn FIGHTER.
I am doing it because I am not going to be defined by my mistakes.
I am doing it because I am not perfect, but NO ONE is!
I am doing it because I can overcome.
I am doing it because I AM A RUNNER!
I am doing it because
with God, NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE.
I am doing it because I AM ALIVE!
I am doing it because Jesus came to save me,
I am the one who who SAT IN DARKNESS,
who He is bringing into light!
I was the one in chains,
who He is SETTING FREE!
My life is not over, and
I will BE with I AM.
So this blog will be now spliced with some running, some inspiration quotes, some recipes perhaps, and just my journey.
I would love for you to come along, be free with me.
I appreciate all and any support.